im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
