While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
