I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
