At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
