I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
