from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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