Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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