I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
