He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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