Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
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After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
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No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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