I accidentally burped into my bong.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
