good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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