The maid of honor just puked.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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