I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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