tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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