i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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