you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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