Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
