mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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