I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
