my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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