I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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