Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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