Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
