Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
