Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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