you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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