Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
