My friends, they love my intelligence
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
