no, he came in my armpit
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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