It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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