i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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