so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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