You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just pee around me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
