Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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