I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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