I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
