Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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