Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
