my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
