My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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