A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize