I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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