my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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