On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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