i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
