i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
