How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
