his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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