i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
