3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
