even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I came so hard my ears popped.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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