dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
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You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
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He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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