genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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