So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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