I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
