The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
